Lately I’ve been in what I guess could only be explained or described as a rut, a kind of slum. I seem to go through these phases from time to time. Even though I know that by default they are going to occur, I still can’t seem to keep them from happening. But, all is as it should be.
I decided to pick up a book that I don’t read much anymore, but felt the urge to, and guess what? The reading for today, March 12th, seemed to ring oh so true. For those that might be familiar with it, it is called “Just For Today,” and is part of the addict or recovering addict’s arsenal. Today’s reading says, “Many times in our recovery/ life, the old bugaboos will haunt us. Life may again become meaningless, monotonous, and boring.” That excerpt is pulled straight from p.87 in “The Big Book.”
This hit home for me today. It is describing exactly the state that I seem to be going in and out of over the course of the last month. Again, not really sure why, but I just haven’t seemed to have that zest for life I had this time last year. Not by a long shot. There were things that I was doing daily that I loved, and my connection with God was at an all time high. Lately, it seems as though all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch TV, something I was only doing for probably a couple of hours total through a given week. I don’t know if I have become complacent, if I have lost my appreciation or gratitude for what I have in life, if I am not challenging myself enough, or if there is something I should be doing that I’m not (or something that I am doing that I shouldn’t be for that matter), and that is making me depressed. I know that I can’t keep buying things to fill that void though (like the Playstation 3 I bought a few weeks ago), or I will be broke before long.
Everything you read up to this point was written a couple of weeks ago, and I am glad to say that things have begun to look up. I still don’t know
why I go through this cycle of feeling like I am on top of the world to feeling that the whole world is resting on my shoulders and I don’t want to face it or deal with it.
It’s a funny thing that when you are being lazy, complacent, and feeling unmotivated, the one thing you should be doing is Anything that will build your self-esteem or make you feel constructive and productive. However, when unmotivated and feeling lazy, these are the exact things that you don’t want to do. So, you’re kind of up a certain creek without a paddle.
Throughout my life, I have seemed to have issues with feeling worthy and of value to society, and even my own family, to the extent that I have found it easier to evade a problem than to face it. Like they say, “The only way to get over a problem or past a fear, is to go Through it.” So this is what I have been dealing with and fortunately gaining ground with over the last year or two.
A good practice I have found when going through times like this, is to sit back and think. Think of and write down all the things that you are grateful for. Write out all the things and people you have in life to be grateful for and appreciative of. When you really think about it, you probably have Many things in your life that many others might not have. We take so much for granted and there are so many people who don’t have the eyes to read this, the ability to be woken up in the morning by the cry of a baby, the hands to carry out the daily tasks that come with a labor intensive job like construction, and yet we complain and don’t use these God-given talents and abilities. Take stock of what you really have in life, and I bet you will begin to feel a little better about your situation. That’s what it took for me to begin to get back that Bryan that used to exist not too long ago, but that I had started to lose sight of.
Life is such an awesome ride. There is just so much to be happy about, that there is really no reason to ever be sad or depressed. I mean, when you look at the big picture of life, do some of the issues you have in your life really seem so bad? I have a good saying that I have framed and hanging next to my front door that says, “Happiness is not a destination, but a journey.” That is so true. All of it is so beautiful, because without the bad, the good wouldn’t be considered good. Or, as I have also read it, “In the absence of that which is NOT, that which IS, is NOT.” Confusing, I know. It just means that without something’s opposite, that “something” loses its value. It just “is.”
Celebrate life and yourself, because you have done so much in your life up to this point. You have conquered so much and have created so much good for yourself and others. You just forget that fact sometimes. I know I do.